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Stoicism: When Reality Doesn't Meet Expectations

 

The Principle of Stoicism: The Dichotomy of Control

"Some things are up to us, some things are not up to us."
— Epictetus (Enchiridion)

"There are things within our control, and there are things beyond our control."

This is the principle in Stoicism known as the "dichotomy of control." Examples of things beyond our control include: other people's behavior, opinions, fame, health, wealth, and natural events such as disasters or climate change. On the other hand, examples of things within our control are: our perceptions, our judgments of others, our goals, desires, and the effort we put into achieving them.

Living peacefully is one of the primary goals of Stoicism. A peaceful life means freedom from negative thoughts and emotions—excessive emotions, jealousy, suspicion, and worries about the future, career, relationships, health, or even death. Stoicism teaches us to be aware of and accept the fact that not everything we desire or wish to avoid is within our control.

We all want to have successful careers, significant incomes, or many followers on social media. I feel the same way. We work tirelessly in pursuit of a stable life. However, does all this effort guarantee success? The answer could be yes, but it could also be no.

When Reality Doesn't Meet Expectations

Imagine this: you aspire to get a promotion at work. You always show up on time, contribute brilliant ideas, and shine during presentations. Yet, suddenly your boss selects someone else—possibly a family friend—for the position you’ve been eyeing. How would you feel? Disappointed? Naturally.

Or take relationships as an example. You've been with someone for years, perhaps since high school. You both attended the same university, even studied in the same faculty. But after graduation, they end up being proposed to by their boss. Disappointed? Certainly.

These examples illustrate how the things we desire sometimes elude us, even when we feel we've done our best. Many people end up drowning in disappointment, and some even lose hope entirely because of such outcomes.


Illustration: A depiction of disappointment when reality doesn’t align with expectations.


Understanding Control and Uncertainty

Stoicism teaches us to accept that not everything is within our control. However, this doesn't mean we should resign ourselves to fate. Instead, this principle helps us prepare for the worst-case scenario and recover from hurt and disappointment.

For instance, prepare the best presentation you can for tomorrow's meeting. Show up on time, demonstrate your skills, and give your all. But as you do this, remind yourself:
"I’ve done my best. The outcome is not entirely within my control. If I fail, I won’t wallow in disappointment. I’ll try again."

Focus on What You Can Control

The things entirely within our control are our efforts and determination. Are we willing to put in the effort? How much effort are we willing to invest? These aspects are 100% within our control. But the result? That lies beyond it.

So, keep striving with your best effort without obsessing over the outcome. A peaceful life is not about having everything but about accepting and being grateful for what we have.

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